Thanks for coming to my blog, my name is… actually if you’re smart enough to come here, you’re smart enough to know my name. This blog is a collection of my thoughts of pretty much random stuff.

At times, I feel like a crazy person. Thoughts are flooding my mind at such speeds that I find it hard to talk to people. That makes me look arrogant because I don’t like to talk much. In a party, I prefer to just rot in a corner. It’s really hard to do something when your mind is preoccupied by dozens of thoughts at the same split second.

Over time, I realize why. I am mildly autistic and mildly bipolar. No, you can’t tell by looking at me. However, the symptoms became obvious to me over time. Things that are normal to normal people, if there’s such a thing as normal, seems abnormal to me. One of it is that I cannot tolerate loud noises. I observed that most others seem ok, but even something quiet distracts me and I am extremely bothered. And also things like a lack of emotional intelligence. For some reasons, I find myself unable to read human emotions well. They eluded me and sometimes I do the wrong things without knowing it. Overtime, I reflect on situations and that’s why I realize many of these things but then and there, I have difficulty understanding why someone is angry at me.

I’m writing this blog so when I passed away, they can understand me better. They always notice I am thinking, and sometimes they ask what is going through my mind, but the moment they asks, suddenly I had to drop all thoughts to go back to “consciousness” in order to respond to their question, and by then, I can’t remember what I was thinking. I know I was thinking something and my mind was processing some thoughts, but I simply can’t remember. Sometimes I do, but when I am deep in thoughts, suddenly everything is gone.

I do know most of the time, I always have unsolved questions. It can be any random question or maybe science question or issues related to my work and I feed them to my mind and you will be surprise because often enough, I get the answers eventually. I believe you may have the same experience at least once before? Basically, for me, I am doing it deliberately all the time, feeding my mind something useful to process so that the answers will come out to me later on in the day or weeks later. I think human mind is an amazing thing.

The reason that I was prompted to write here is because I can’t take it anymore. I have all these random thoughts coming to my mind and I needed to leave it somewhere. Sometimes my mind hurts and I grimaced (alot) in real life and I know because I can feel my grimacing expression (though I didn’t feel like I can prevent it). It happens especially when randomly some negative thoughts or issues came to my mind. It could be things happening more than a decade before and suddenly it came to mind and I grimaced like I can feel the pain or embarrassment or something like that. Or sometimes it was a thought from the past that came and I reflect on the whole situation and I felt hurt or something and I would give out the facial expression accordingly. And the funny thing is that I try to control it because it’s so embarrassing in public when someone doesn’t know what is going through your mind and then seeing your awkward facial expression.

Therefore, I love it best when I am alone and I can do anything and doesn’t have to bother about how others look at me.

Despite my mild autism, I lead a normal life as far as others could see. I would like to talk about mental illness in a while because of my condition but first off, I had to say my IQ level is well above average. Financially, everything is amazing. I am blessed with some really awesome people. It’s a numbers game because I pissed off a huge amount of people including my parents compared to those who remained in my life. I left home twice and permanently now because I couldn’t get along with anybody in my parents and it’s not a problem because I’m independent. In fact, I believe I can survive without anyone in my life. See, this is an example of the arrogance but I believe it’s partly influenced by my life’s history and experience and autism. My childhood was plenty of struggle and that creates a certain do-or-die kind of attitude.

Saying that autism plays a part in my bad behavior may be an excuse. Perhaps you may be right but you may be wrong as well. For example, there is something called a warrior gene in psychopaths and murderers. This guy accidently discovers something amazing when he was asked to group the different brain scans given to him. He check for the differences between the brain scans and group them up. Later, he was told that the brain scans that he grouped into 1 of them, these all belong to the murders. That was a breakthrough discovery because it means genes play a part in humans. But there’s more. This guy who managed the discovery, realize he had these violent genes too, so why wasn’t he a psychopath or a murderer. It did turn out that he has some of these traits such as temper issues but overall, he’s a normal person. On further digging, it was found that he had a great wonderful childhood vs the murderers who often had an abusive childhood, and that seems to be a trigger point. Understanding all these actually helps me to understand myself better.

Back to the topic on mental illness, is there really such a thing? Before scientist came up with the names autism or bipolar, what I had was probably just normal. I wouldn’t think that just because I can’t read human emotions well means that I am linked to autism because it was an unavailable condition to have at that time of point. I think it is difficult to define what mental illness is. Let’s forget about autism or anything you have ever know about mental issues. Here’s a thought experiment. Is someone who can read 100 words per min normal? Maybe you say. Now, what about someone who can only read 10 words per minute? Is he normal? I think most people would say this person has to be pretty retarded or have a mental illness. I think most people would say he is definitely having a mental problem. My opinion depends on how we define normal? What if globally, humans can only read 5 words per min, suddenly we’re talking about a genius here! I think it isn’t so much about mental illness. Rather what we have is a deviation from average behaviors. This would be a more accurate description. Mental illness are conditions, I believe, created by drug companies with the agenda of profitability. I say this because I run companies and all I want to do, is to make money. If I had to invent something to make big money, I would. Wouldn’t you do the same?

Notice above I said mental illness and not brain damage, they are very different things. My point is that some people are on drugs that they do not need, to give money to drug companies that they don’t need to do.

Many times I go to doctors, they disappoint me. I have lost faith in doctors. How would a 5 minute clinic examination help you better than a 1 day observation? I say this with caution because this statement may not be true in certain situations, for example an X-ray or MRI scans. The reason I lost faith in clinic doctors is because of the long lines in the queue, which pressured them into spending little time on any patient, which in turns returns a hasty review of the patient’s condition. That means a higher probability of a misdiagnosis. And speaking from personal experience, I have solved more health illness for myself than the doctors I visited simply because collective brains tend to win the knowledge of a single brain. With the vast library of information on the Internet now, by researching on the symptoms (nobody understands it better than yourself), you can narrow down the illness to the exact one you have (because others have it too), and see how others have resolved that problem, so you can do it too. It’s time consuming, but it comes with the satisfaction knowing the drugs which the doctors prescribed to me is actually rubbish to the ones I am getting, with lesser side effects and better outcome. For example, my bipolar leads to depression sometimes and normally Prozac was given to aid against the depression. I found out Vitamin B and some other minerals help too and improve both my mood and physical well being at the same time. That was amazing because I became liberated from taking drugs with side effects and yet at the same time having something to boost my health. My eczema issues is another one but I won’t go into that. Doctors prescribed steroids originally and that causes my blood veins to appear due to the thinning of the skin. That’s not just ugly but it’s not good. It took me so many years to find out that I could use certain facial cream to improve my complexion and at the same time have youthful skin and at the same skin ward off the eczema.

In all honesty and fairness to the doctors, it is beyond what they can do to understand in full depth all the possible health issues. They can only know the main stuff and that’s it but that’s the problem. For someone like me, I can afford to do full in-depth research of my exact issues, which is probably just a couple of them. For a doctor, they have to do full in-depth research of thousands of common health issues, which I don’t think they can afford to or are capable of doing.

Recently, I am so captivated by astronomy. I been thinking about it all the time. Like do you know there is something so heavy, that in the shape of a mobile phone, even 1,000,000 people will be unable to carry it? If you drop it on the floor, it will go right through the ground into the center of the Earth. I was wondering how could something be so heavy? Until you realize that 99.99% of the atom is actually empty space.

The realization of 99.99% empty space brings about a curiosity about our understanding of everything, such as the way we perceive things. And then that makes me think about the M Theory, and then the membranes, and then the waves… It’s so amazing. For example, we’ve been a human being so long that we no longer understand how it’s like not to be a human being. This is abit hard to explain but when I look at my hand, how do I know it’s my hand? “I know of course” because it’s attached to me. But how do I know that me is me? Because I think me is me? How do I know for sure me is me? Because in my dreams, sometimes I became another person, so how can I say me is me when I can be another person which means me may not be me? I know it’s a dream but how do we know it’s a dream and not like we’re in another dimension or form. We know in physics that energy do not get destroyed, they just change from one form to another. If we want to go by this, we could possibly say that when we die, we do not get destroyed, merely just changing one form to another. And then I researched about NDE, near death experiences where people claimed they went to heaven and hell, but they return to life, and the way they lived their life changed dramatically (so I don’t believe they were lying about what they see but this don’t mean we have to believe them either).

I reserve my judgment about these matters but personally, I believe in God so much. Sometimes I felt delusional knowing that I believe in God so much that I am willing to die for the cause. Maybe because I have been so blessed in my life despite having mild autism and mild bipolar. No matter how screwed up I have been, every time my prayers have been answered to the point that it is difficult to not believe in God. Many miracles in my life are beyond explanations despite my best efforts. Problem is, science and God can’t exists together (at the moment at least) and I love both, but I love God more. It’s just that when it comes to science, I had to temporarily ignore the existence of God in order to find a rational explanation to the science problem on hand.

All these writings, they have been bothering me this whole day. It’s a relief to have an outlet to release them into the wild. My mind feels clearer and less occupied. I feel really good.

God bless.

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